Dear Regretsy,

As a prospective seller on Etsy in the coming months, I would like to make a solemn promise to your writers and your readers in that I will NEVER. NEVER, EVER create and sell a necklace involving the steampunk octopus. Should I cave and create one, it will be for my own personal enjoyment, the accessorizing of my child (who doesn't know any better), or thrown in as a surprise free gift with someone's purchase of my real, better-than-amateur other stuff. As a matter of fact, I also pledge to never have the stuff I sweat over delivered by fairies, shat out by storks, or picked off of jewelry trees because I MAKE THEM. ME. Not some douchebag slave-labor toddler fairy who wiggles her wings and poof there's some shit to sell on the internet. I promise that I will work with integrity, sell with no bullshit, create with no mollusk.

Your Truly,

Ironic Octopus Jewelry.

Dear Offspring,

Are you kidding me? That you would get off of grounding for sneaking into my laptop to play video games, lying and stealing things from my purse just to turn around and do it AGAIN 3 weeks later is absolutely the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard. Felons don't commit crimes again that fast, kid. Learn from your mistakes or at least use that genius brain of yours and cover your ass better. I pulled the same shit when I was a kid but I got away with it because I WAS BETTER at it than you. Be clever for fucks sake, make it a challenge for me to catch you, then at least it wouldn't be such a disappointment to me to find out you DID THE SAME THING.

Love,
Your Mom