Dear Regretsy,

As a prospective seller on Etsy in the coming months, I would like to make a solemn promise to your writers and your readers in that I will NEVER. NEVER, EVER create and sell a necklace involving the steampunk octopus. Should I cave and create one, it will be for my own personal enjoyment, the accessorizing of my child (who doesn't know any better), or thrown in as a surprise free gift with someone's purchase of my real, better-than-amateur other stuff. As a matter of fact, I also pledge to never have the stuff I sweat over delivered by fairies, shat out by storks, or picked off of jewelry trees because I MAKE THEM. ME. Not some douchebag slave-labor toddler fairy who wiggles her wings and poof there's some shit to sell on the internet. I promise that I will work with integrity, sell with no bullshit, create with no mollusk.

Your Truly,

Ironic Octopus Jewelry.