Dear Idiot Parked Near My Home,

This is NOT long term parking. I understand that since there are no signs posted stating this, you may have been confused, but contrary to your obvious belief, IT IS NOT.

I know you are confused because YOU KEEP FUCKING DOING IT. This is the third time I've noticed it and it's usually here for 5 - 7 days, which is bullshit.

I have no idea who you are or if you even know anyone else who lives in this court but the next fucking time I see a car parked here for more than 2 days I will call the police, report it as an abandoned vehicle and have it towed away. We have a nice little neighborhood here and we don't need to worry/wonder about the strange car parked in the court.

I'm also placing a printed copy of this letter on your windshield to be sure you understand.

Thnx,

A Bitch Who Pays a Mortgage in this Neighborhood

Dear Rodents in Residence,

 You better find somewhere else to live you little taffy eating, sock gnawing, harbingers of disease. I promise you that if I ever find you and your dirty little sweater eating family I will squish you till your heads pop off.

Sincerely,

The bitch that's on her 5th load of possibly rodent touched clothing

Dear Regretsy,

As a prospective seller on Etsy in the coming months, I would like to make a solemn promise to your writers and your readers in that I will NEVER. NEVER, EVER create and sell a necklace involving the steampunk octopus. Should I cave and create one, it will be for my own personal enjoyment, the accessorizing of my child (who doesn't know any better), or thrown in as a surprise free gift with someone's purchase of my real, better-than-amateur other stuff. As a matter of fact, I also pledge to never have the stuff I sweat over delivered by fairies, shat out by storks, or picked off of jewelry trees because I MAKE THEM. ME. Not some douchebag slave-labor toddler fairy who wiggles her wings and poof there's some shit to sell on the internet. I promise that I will work with integrity, sell with no bullshit, create with no mollusk.

Your Truly,

Ironic Octopus Jewelry.

Dear Offspring,

Are you kidding me? That you would get off of grounding for sneaking into my laptop to play video games, lying and stealing things from my purse just to turn around and do it AGAIN 3 weeks later is absolutely the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard. Felons don't commit crimes again that fast, kid. Learn from your mistakes or at least use that genius brain of yours and cover your ass better. I pulled the same shit when I was a kid but I got away with it because I WAS BETTER at it than you. Be clever for fucks sake, make it a challenge for me to catch you, then at least it wouldn't be such a disappointment to me to find out you DID THE SAME THING.

Love,
Your Mom

Dear American Public,

Maverick maverick maverick, mav mav mavericky mav maverick, o hai hockey mom you betcha. Maverick Mavvy mav mav, TOTALLY saw Russia yesterday, mavericky mav maverick! MAV!
Pregnant teenage daughter! Mavvy Maverick mav maverick mavericky! SRLSY. Maverick. And o btw Maverick and mav mav mavericky mav maverick. Coffe klatsch folksy bullshit maverick mavvy mav mav maverick. 'N shizz. Did I also mention that maverick maverick mavericky mav mav? And that I've only been at this five weeks?

Love,
Sarah Palin

Dear Fucking Crazy-Ass Bloggy-Types,

ESPECIALLY you fucking chicks that think that posting a shit ton of ads on your template and forcing yourself to post random fucking bullshit photos memes. I understand that everyone has a TASTE for certain kinds of blogs, but holy fucking jesus shitcocking christ WTF with all the crap content? You leave your regular, talking-to-people-on-the-interwebz-but-at-least-still-talking-to-people interwebz life behind to fucking "focus on your blog"? ARE YOU KIDDING? A few click ads makes sense, why not rape the establishment just by ranting and raving and showing pictures of your kids? That's all well and good. Spend a couple bucks on a flashy template? It's your space on the toobz, why the fuck not?

But holy tittyraping jesus an entire column dedicated to crap ads that blink and have exclamation points that tell me to "OMG SQUEE! THIS PERSON LIKES ME AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GO SPREAD THE LOVE BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES ATTENTION" is crap. This whole blogger community thing has gotten way the fuck out of hand, and you, those of you who have no idea I'm talking about them, are part of the goddamn problem. I was just about to write what a blog should or shouldn't be, but that would make me an elitist instead of Gerkin of the People's Punisher.

So here's to you, crazy fuckers who think that blogging should be a job without having your name attached to a major company but whore yourself out anyway because "Wordless Wednesdays" are fun and ooh I should get paid for crap content, I raise my glass to you for RUINING MY INTERNETS.

Dear Whoever Designs Shit for Garnier Fructis Hair Care,

I HATE YOUR FUCKING CONDITIONER BOTTLES.

Upside-down? Great idea, because eventually everyone turns their bottle upside-down anyway to get that last wash out. But seriously? Making the bottles THAT THIN? Are you fucking KIDDING me?

When you are wet and slippery in the shower, you grab the bottle by the middle and you squeeze. You don't grab the bottle and squeeze from the top, because really you CAN'T and a bottle is not a tube so there's no point in doing it anyway. The bottle is so goddamned skinny that after ten washes you can't squeeze the fucking bottle anymore because it has been SQUOZEN TO DEATH and there is physically no way you can squeeze it anymore and then you're reduced to shaking the crap out of the bottle anyway. Seriously, WTFBBQ, yo. A square bottle would work; hell, and ROUND bottle would work. But those stupid supposedly-aesthetically pleasing oval designs? GAY.

Thanks for your time,

NotAGirl